mourning

i know this feeling
i’ve been here before
the heart is quiet, the mind is racing
the soul trudges on hurt and broken

i know the feeling
i’ve mourned before
trying to understand loss
trying to understand hope

what is death but the loss of relationship
a bond broken, a love lost
the mighty heart laid low
by something it doesn’t understand

the search for peace begins anew
the rocky path leads to an all familiar place
a hill, a cross, an empty grave
reminders of our source of hope

wounded, beaten, bloody
wounded he healed us
wounded we share our healing
restored, renewed, we rejoice

Why daughters need daddies

I love this.

From Why A Daughter Needs A Dad: 100 Reasons by Gregory E. Lang

1. to show her that true love is unconditional
2. to teach her that her value as a person is more than the way she looks
3. to teach her that family is more important than work
4. to show her that a man can be trustworthy
5. to be the safe spot she can always turn to
6. to teach her that a man’s strength is not the force of his hands or his voice, but the kindness of his heart
7. to be the standard against which she will judge all men
8. to help her take risks that will build her confidence
9. to hold her when she cries
10. to teach her she is important by stopping what he is doing to watch her

via Resurgence

the river flows

just beyond what you can see
just beyond what you can imagine
flows a river

in a world thats near
in a world thats here
flows a river

in the place of His birth
in the place of my birth
flows a river

heart to heart
spirit to spirit
flows a river

in joy
in peace
flows the river

in wisdom
in splendor
flows the river

in love
in mercy
flows the river

in blessing
in honor
flows the river

the river flows from the Father
the river flows to the Son
in this way we are one

feasts

two tables are set
two feasts are prepared
both beckon, calling me by name
before me is a feast of blessings
and a feast of lies

–

the feast of lies
is pleasing to the eye
all my favorite foods are set before me
each plate a comfort food from my past
each one the best the world has to offer

what catches my eye is the company
lust, she welcomes me with a glass of wine
self pity is playing my favorite tune
knowledge crowns me with her jewels
their attention is intoxicating

the meal starts with crunchy self reliance
and quickly moves into sweet flattery
washed down with pride and gratification
the second course is a succulent fillet of fear
covered in creamy sauce full of doubt
dessert is the sweetest confusion around

more, i need more
the food, the wine, has not satisfied
but instead intensified my hunger, my thirst
how, why, no time for questions
more, i need more

desire, after desire
need, after need
the feast of lies promises to satisfy
with pleasure, after pleasure
with attention and praise
but the itch is never quite scratched
i’m always wanting more

it’s days, months, years, a lifetime
before i notice
that the music has stopped
the crowd has left
i try to leave, i want to leave
but
the emptiness within has chained me to the chair
the hunger so strong now
more, i need more…

–

the feast of blessings
is simple
the body
the blood

hope draws me in
faith pulls up a chair
simple wooden chair, simple wooden table
love serves me

the first bite is like a rush
i learn the meaning of love and sacrifice
the second is more than i can take
things that never should have been forgiven, are

the first sip opens my eyes
and glory is seen
the second opens my heart
and life is experienced

fullness
i cry out
he answers
fullness of him

the body
now my body
i see, through his eyes
i hear, through his ears

life
abundant life
eternal life
full life

the table is cleared
together we leave
to join our king
at the feasts of all feasts

–

the price of admittance is the same
for both lies and blessings
each at a cost I can hardly fathom
life, life consumed

all life needs to eat
but we have a choice
a choice of the kind of food we will fill our lives with
between the temporary
and the eternal
between the lie
and the truth

here

here
here i am
here You are
here i worship my King
here i hear your voice
here i find peace everlasting
here i find love given unconditionally
here i find joy overflowing
here is not a time
here is not a place
here is Your kingdom
here is where heaven meets earth
here your glory is revealed
here our hearts beat as one
here You reign
here in my heart
here You are
here i am

the unseen

it starts with a cloud
a dark blot on the horizon
left or right there’s no avoiding
the winds howl
the rain beats
the unwelcome storm comes

hidden beyond the darkness
veiled by fear and doubt
ever-present the Sun still shines
the unknown light
the unfelt warmth
the unseen glory pierces the darkness

it starts with a ray
bright beyond bright
shot like an arrow from the heavens
the target is not the bullseye
the target is not a trophy
the target is a heart

my heart melts
reminded of days without clouds
a promised glorious future
the unseen becoming seen!
the Son!
the Father!

my Father!
He’s thought of me!
He’s remembered me!
His faithfulness!
His love!
my hope

Growth

And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him. Hebrews 11:6

Today was a day to grow and build my faith, in the midst of it I read the challenging words below.

I swirl the Words around, wine shocking dead tastebuds: “Without faith, it is impossible to please God.”
A shell splinters.

I scrawl it across paper:

The pen hovers over paper. What are the things that I don’t have the skill set for, the resources for, the route for?

I know those things, like a man knows his demons. I look over at my husband, throat dry.

And the words trip out, disoriented. “The things in my life that require faith are the things that terrify me.” Children and husband look up from their journals, heads tilted in question. I know I’m supposed to be writing, but the pen’s found bedrock and I shout Eureka. Shout and tremble.

“Doesn’t that verse mean that to please God, I have to do move out into places of fear?” Farmer Husband lays down his pen, pushes his chair back, ready to receive all of me.

“I mean, it clearly says: Without faith, it is impossible to please God. And I hate to say it….” I say it anyways. We’re family and this is the embrace of transparency.

“But not much in my life requires faith. I intentionally construct my life that way: do things I know I can do, with means I have, in territory familiar to me. But isn’t God saying that to please Him we need to live in this wild leap of faith?”

I glance down again at that verse printed onto parchment of God’s Word, thin paper, light shining through, right into your soul. “That’s terrifying space.”

I take a deep breath, look him in the eye, and whisper my paraphrase. “It’s impossible to please God unless I do things I’m afraid of.”

From A Holy Experience

Shovels

words had been spoken
memories had been shared
tears had flowed
and flowers had been laid
love was poured out
in the greatest way
only one act left undone
the final act of love

a shovel of dirt for my rebellion,
and a rock for your wisdom

a shovel of dirt for my depression,
and a rock for your joy

a shovel of dirt for my pride,
and a rock for your love

dirt wasn’t all that was left behind that day
and sadness wasn’t all that was taken away
beneath the dirt lies regret
and on my heart hope
because two people died that day
one was you
the other me

Dreams…

I haven’t been too faithful lately to record my dreams, in part because of the chaotic nature of some of them, but regardless, I’m going to ask for forgiveness and try to catch you all up on my last several dreams in one gigantic post. 🙂 To the best of my recollection, this is the order that the dreams occurred in.

The first in a series of really chaotic dreams was one where Ari and I were racing all around to try and buy supplies for a missions trip. That’s all I can really remember.

The second dream we were sitting in my mom’s house trying to find a way into Africa. This lady was there who pioneered going to Africa, so we showed her the map and she says, “There’s a river right there,” and proceeded to draw it on my map. Naturally, I’m like “wait that wasn’t on the map” and she responds, “I’ve seen it.”

Last of the chaotic dreams was one where we were in England in what seemed like a video game. We would cross bridge after bridge in search of the crown jewels, but each time we did, the game changed a little bit. Finally we got to the end and I woke up.

Somewhere in between was a really cool dream. I was climbing up a mountain that was lush and really green, almost cartoony green. As I’m climbing, I get lifted up to a really high place in the sky where I can look down and recognize the place where I had been climbing, but I could also see the area as a whole. It turns out that I was scaling the outside of a Google logo (where each letter is an island in the sea). Just as quick I’m lowered back down to the inside of the letter I had been climbing all the way to the inside of our church which for some reason was now on this island. PM was there and a few others I didn’t recognize. She had to go take care of something, so she asked me to do something. While she’s away and I’m doing whatever, this guy comes up and I recognize him as the owner of the islands. Somehow I knew that PJ had really been wanting to buy this island with a really high mountain right in the middle of the other islands. I tried stalling the owner at first hoping PJ would be back in time to talk to him. I told the guy about PJ’s plans and he seemed to like them and even gave me the price on what it would cost to rent the place ($845). In the end the owner had to go, but I promised to pass on the info to PJ. After that I walked around the island a bit before waking up.

Weird huh?

The Season

Can your ears hear the trumpet sound?
It announces coronation of our king.

Can you taste the wine on your lips?
It fills your mouth with blessings from on High.

Can your ears hear the trumpet sound?
It announces new life, a promise fulfilled.

Can you taste the sweetness on your lips?
It promises joy in the days to come.

Can you hear the trumpet sound?
It cries out to those who will hear,
Awaken to the season!