Author: ashansky

Tall and quiet programmer from Memphis, that is in love with a sweet girl from Orlando.

Fear of Abandonment

I was 13 or 14 when I had this horrible dream that my whole family was leaving on a train, and I was there at the station pleading with them not to go, not to leave me behind. That was when I found out that I talk in my sleep. Apparently the other 40 or so boys who were sleeping in the gym that night heard me crying out the same thing I was saying in my dream “Don’t leave me!”.

Almost a full ten years later on a hike with other men, did I ever experience such fear of being alone. The hike started of pretty good, through the first quarter mile or so I was really excited. After that I realized that the whole trip would be like walking up stairs with a heavy pack on my back. After awhile our group split up into two smaller groups. I tried to keep up with the leaders, but eventually I felt the need to stop and not wanting to slow down the others I let them go ahead figuring I would just take my time and wait for the group behind me to catch up. Hopefully saving some energy for the next day that I knew would be grueling. Eventually the trail let me to a fork, and not sure which way to go I had to wait for group behind me.

After waiting fifteen or so minutes I began to notice that my sweat was condensing, and that I was really starting to get cold. It’s at this point that the devil starts whispering in my ear, reminding me that people had died on this mountain, and that I was in danger of the same. I began to pray.

Thirty minutes of standing alone on the trail, I pulled out my cell phone, but found that I couldn’t get any reception, and I start to shiver. How much longer till dark? How long till I’m really in trouble? The other group should be here by now, did they go a different way or worse are they lost? I could just pick a direction, but I risked going the wrong way and then I’d really be in trouble because if it was the wrong way it would take exponentially longer for anyone who might be looking for me to find me. The best plan for me was to stay put, and continue to pray.

At forty-five minutes my faith wavered, and I picked a direction. I hiked for a few minutes on the trail, but didn’t feel good about it. So I started to hike back to my waiting spot. On the way back I decided to try my phone again. That’s when God provided a miracle, I suddenly had cell reception and used the opportunity to call everyone on the cell phone list. Through my chattering teeth I was able to leave a few voice mails asking for help. No sooner had I set down my phone than it rang, one of the guys on the hike was calling me back, to tell me that help was on the way. A few minutes later back at the place I had been waiting before, help arrived from the opposite way I had been trying to go just a few minutes ago. As I hiked to camp, God started talking to me about his role as my heavenly Father, about his faithfulness, and about him never leaving me alone. It was through trial that my view of God as my heavenly Father grew from head knowledge to heart knowledge. I was safe (not that I was ever in any real danger, the devil is a liar) for the moment, but God wasn’t done teaching me and setting me free from my fear of abandonment.

Our trip was all but over, all that was left to do was shower and hop on a plane. The shower felt great, it had been three long days since my last one, and I was savoring every hot drop of water the devil began to whisper in my ear. Insecurities began to surface out of no where, doubts about the newly formed friendships popped into my head like popcorn. I began to wonder what they were talking about while I was out of the room, were they all agreeing that I was really strange and couldn’t wait till I was gone? It’s silly to think about now, but the devil wanted to rob me of any kind of good this trip had been to build me up as the man my heavenly Father wants me to be. But I had learned and grown during the trip, and I began to question the reason behind those feelings (thanks Scott and Seth :)). As I dug I found that my real wasn’t that I didn’t fit in but rather my fear that a group of men I had become really close to would suddenly abandon me. As I thought about that I was reminded of my time alone on the mountain and of my Father in heaven who would never abandon me. It was then that something in me changed and I began to grow, the doubts and fears melted away in the light of the truth.

I still have a long way to go to be the man God has destined for me to become, but I know now that I don’t have to do this journey alone, regardless of how the devil describes my situation.

Death of the flesh

“Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires.” Galatians 5.24

“For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin — because anyone who has died has been freed from sin.” Roman 6.6

“For he has rescued us from the dominion of darknes and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.” Col 1.13

God has given me two distinct visions of the death of my flesh.

The first was a vision of a man (Jesus) on the inside of me. He was in my belly with a fire, hollowing me from the inside out. The smoke from his fire was traveling up to my mouth coming out as praise and worship to God. And with every breath in I breathed in the spirit of God. This at first rubbed me wrong way making me think that it was something sacriligious, but now God has worked in me to let go and trust that this is a message from him.

In the second I saw the shell of a man and on the inside it looked like some kind of construction was going on. I could see the scafolding and sparks coming from the welders. As I watched the construction continued to grow bigger and bigger. It reminded me of those spy movies I used to watch where the goverment or the bad guys would build these secret projects in hollowed out volcanoes or caves in order to keep it protected and gain the element of surprise over the enemy. I felt like God was saying to me that He was doing the same thing inside of me. He was creating his secret weapon inside of me so that when the time came he will launch his surprise attack from inside something the world thought wasn’t a threat.

I hope that sharing this with you encourages you as they have with me.

Russian Dream

I had a dream that I was a spy in Russia planning an escape from a prison there. It didn’t seem like we were prisoners there because we were free to explore it. As we were exploring we came across a fence we scaled the fence and on the other side was a garden. This garden was smallish ten by ten size that was surrounded on all sides by a wooden fence. We dropped down off the fence, walked around for a bit and decided to climb out on the other side. Only to find a secret garden on the otherside of that fence. This secret garden was about the same size but rather than having plants and flowers this garden had a square of gravel just big enough for me to lay down in. As we were standing there my companion told me that this was the place where the Holy Spirit would fill me and the place I should hide during the escape. We climbed out the secret garden and came to a rocky sea shore walking around with the warden at this point looking at a boat that looked like a van. ( weird )

Before this escape was to take place I went to a retreat with some of the old peeps from Memphis. The place we were at was a white house everything there was white. It seemed they were on a beach week. But the whole time I was there it just seemed off. Weird

Conversations: You can’t do it.

Actual conversation:

Satan: You can’t run three miles without stopping.

Me: Yes I can. God promised.

Satan: When?

Me: He said, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

Satan: …

Me: And I can worship Him as I do it. (In your face Satan!)

This may seem elementry, but the cool thought about it was God’s revelation. It’s not natural for me to think of a scripture as an explicit promise of God to Me.

Thank you Lord for helping me fight against the attacks of the enemy. And thank you for a great run today. 🙂

I am Rich

More on radical Living.

HT: Seth Barnes

The hard part seems to be realizing that I am that rich man, and that even though I say I would be willing to give up all for the Kingdom of God, I find my flesh stubbornly clinging to things that when compared to God are absolutely nothing more than shiny trinkets, rags, and hunks of rust. A part of me values my car, my home, and my iPhone enabled life above the life God has set out for me. I’ve been challenged to give and to keep giving till it hurts and let me tell you it’s hard, but as my Pastor says, “You can’t out give God”. And that I cling to.

Redefining Radical

I grew up the son of a Pastor, a true shepherd. I grew up honoring my earthly father by learning all I could about God. I could quote scripture and had sound theology. And I really thought that’s all there was to being a Christian. I had lots of knowledge about God, but very little relationship with him. I could sit through my Dad’s best sermon, leave feeling great about myself, and then head out into the world and live a life that didn’t reflect the things that I learned. I was comfortable, comfortable with my life in the world. I enjoyed the things of the world and desired them above all else.

And I think that this defines the modern day church. We know what we should be doing, but desire the things of the world more than the things of God. We want the hottest car, the biggest houses, and the coolest clothes. Not that these things themselves are evil, but desiring them more than God is. We desire the shiny trinkets of this world rather than the beautiful jewels of the Kingdom of God.

We watch the same movies and tv shows as the rest of the world. Our eyes are filled with sex and violence. We listen to the same music as the rest of the world. Our ears are filled with language that curses our God or that would embarrass sailors of previous generations. We allow these types of media to shape our world view, and then wonder why our world seems to be so hopeless.

We fill spare time on Facebook telling the world about our last trip to the grocery store or our dog’s last bowel movement instead of sharing the miracles God has been doing in our lives, or encouraging one another.

We (I’m including myself here) are in LOVE with the WORLD.

We are in LOVE with ourselves, and can not get enough!

But there’s emptiness, there are holes in our hearts that entertainment, alcohol, or women (or men) cannot fill. Sure entertainment might distract us, alcohol may numb the pain, and women will comfort us, but these things will only work for so long. Their effects are not permanent or lasting longer than a blink of an eye. If these are the things you are using to self medicate, it won’t be long before their effect wears off. You’ll need more and more, but the holes are never filled, only made larger.

I’m not saying this to condemn you, but to beg and plead with you to WAKE UP!

My heart’s cry is to be radical, to shake off the scales that this comfortable life has put on my eyes to keep me from seeing my wonderful and loving God in all his glory and splendor. When I say that word, what comes to mind? Do you think of some guy in Time Square with a sign that says “The end is near”, how about a monk, or some fire and brimstone preacher who thinks that you and your dog are going to hell?

What I’m trying to say is that knowledge of God is good, but it will never save you or me. Jesus came so that never again would there have to be an intermediary between God and His people. But still so many of us want our pastors to become this intermediary so that we can go about our lives like Jesus never came. Let the pastor do the praying, let the pastor feed the poor, let the pastor do the evangelism. Let’s break down this barrier we’ve self imposed to save our comfortable lives.

So what is the new definition of radical? To me it is seeking a personal relationship with Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior! Laying down our comfortableness with this world and seeking to be uncomfortable in the Kingdom of God. Seeking to hear God’s voice! Seeking to see God’s face. Seeking to be a sign and a miracle to the people around, your co-workers and friends. Give till it hurts, rest secure in the provision of God. Give to the poor, feed the hungry, get discipled, and begin to disciple.

This isn’t easy; the world has brought us up believing the lie that we are to live for ourselves. Today we need to make the conscious decision to die to ourselves, to stop seeking the “deadly addiction of esteem”. Live the radical life that Jesus called us to. The world has permeated us in ways we are not even aware of, but the Lord can restore us. He can re-kindle the fire in us, to be brighter than ever before. He can do more than heal our hearts; he can (and does) give us brand spanking new ones. He will renew our minds cleansing out the junk we have put in.

Break out of the cultural norms, break out of the Christian norms, and let your heart’s cry be “Come Lord Jesus”. Develop the personal relationship with God that he so desires, love him with all our hearts. Let’s pick up our cross and follow after him.

The Dinner Table

I seem to be in a very strange transition, and I’m beginning to wonder if my parents weren’t right all along. The other day, my wife and I sat down for dinner, and with a baby in the not too distant future, my mind began to wonder about how our family meals will be. How much it will mean to me to have my kids at the dinner table. To watch them grow from meal to meal. To share our day together, what did they do in school and how was my wife’s day. Taking all that in, I started to remember how meals were at my house, and how quickly I tried to finish so I could go back outside and play with my friends or get back to my favorite videogame/book. What I remember most was not really caring about everyone else, but satisfying my stomach and then getting back to what I was doing. The thought crosses my mind about how different things would be if I could go back and change that knowing now what I know. “You’ll understand when you have kids of your own.” Begins to ring in my ears, and I realize that I’m beginning to understand what they meant when they said that. I thought I did, but now I’m not so sure.