Category Archives: My Journey

Vision: Reach Out and Touch Someone

Posted on by
Reply

We live in an increasingly virtual world. We talk to each other through email, IM, and Facebook. I work all day on computers and programs that someday someone might use and hopefully it will make their lives easier, but more than likely I will never meet them. I don’t know my neighbors, I barely know my co-workers, and I struggle to connect to close friends and family through everyday conversation.

At times I feel like I don’t live in the real world.

I live a very comfortable life. I’m blessed with a good job, a loving family, and a wonderful wife. Sure I have my fair share of problems and difficulties, but if I’m hungry it’s cause there’s 30 minutes till lunch, if I’m in pain it’s cause I did too much at the gym, and if I’m worried it’s cause I’m not sure if my favorite TV series will be back next season. Now I’m simplifying here for the sake of making a point.

I feel at times like a live in my ivory tower of more-holier-than-though-christianity or I’m hiding behind my computer monitor thinking I’m making a difference because I write down my thoughts on blog for the world to see, when just outside my door is world full of real need.

I really feel this tug on my heart to reach out and touch the real world.

I don’t know what God has planned for my life, but I do know the things he’s pu on my heart. To see the nation of Israel, my family, and my country on fire for God the likes of which this world has never seen before. To see men living more like real men and not the neutered versions we see now. To take a stand against abortion. I don’t know my role in these things, and I don’t know how to accomplish them. But I do know that these things are on God’s heart as well.

While I may not know the full path ahead of me, but I do know the starting point.

Prayer – This is one area I really need to grow in. I’m not sure why it’s a weak point for me, but it really is. Prayer will draw me closer to God and his will. And that’s where I want to be. In the comming moths and years prayer will be a very important part of my family life and raising my children. I’ve started with learning to pray for my wife using a book that she gave me :-) .

Mentor/Disciplship – Another thing God has really put on my heart to find a mentor or someone who will disciple me. To keep me accountable, to encourage me, or just give some wise counsel. This is especially important since my Dad passed away, I’ve grown to recognize God as my true father and Pastor Joe as a spiritual father, but I need someone in my daily life to stand in the gap.

Start Here and Now – I don’t think God’s call on my life is one that starts years in the future, but rather something that I should start working on now. By being a better witness at work, at the gym, or anywhere else I might go. The wrong thing here is to present my self as some perfect being, and the extreme of sinning along with the other person is just as wrong. But rather minister as Jesus did loving the sinner and not the sin.

This is a lot. A lot to explain and a lot to take in. And as I’ve said I’m not sure where all this is taking me, but what I do know is that God is slowly (in God’s perfect timing of course) answering one of my oldest prayers. And that is “what is my place in life”.

Me the Warrior.

Posted on by
1

Matthew 11:12 (New Living Translation)

12 And from the time John the Baptist began preaching until now, the Kingdom of Heaven has been forcefully advancing,[a] and violent people are attacking it.

I always daydreamed about being this great action hero (You know Rambo, Batman, Superman all rolled into one). In my head I can see myself as this vicious fighter. Take no prisoners kind of guy. If you know me, that’s definitely the opposite from who I am on the outside. But it has always been my dream.

I know in my head and especially in my hear that I’m called to be a Mighty Warrior for God, but I’ve really struggled with putting it into practice. So when I came across this post by Seth Barnes, it really was right on with how I want to be.

“Look, hell, you may have taken my loved one away. You may have robbed me of something I held dear. You may have marked me for destruction, but I sure as heck (go ahead and say “hell” if you’re feeling particularly righteous) am not going to sit here and take it! I am going to fight you for what God has given me. Society may place a premium on being nice and looking proper, but I don’t have any more room in my life for nice! I will fight you tooth and nail for what is mine, and furthermore, now that you’ve riled me up, I will exact a price for this. Where I’ve been complacent, I will start putting on the Ephesians 6 armor. Where I’ve been passive, I will start praying warfare prayers. Instead of sleeping in, I’m going to start getting up early and praising God. I’ve had it – I’m not going to sit still any longer! I know there’s a warrior’s spirit in me somewhere, and I intend to summon it up!”

I’m going to focus on this for awhile, and try to begin to walk it out.

I am a desperate man.

Posted on by
Reply

I am in desperate need. Lord hear my prayer.

I am desperate for your Grace.

I am desperate for your Strength.

I am desperate for your Wisdom.

All I have to offer in return is my life. If I had more that I could give, I would.

I pray that my sacrifice is pleasing to you.

My Lord, Master, and Savior, here I am your humble servant.

Thank you Lord for pouring out your grace, your strength, and your wisdom in abundance.

Thank you Lord for pouring out blessings and favor beyond all imagination.

Does God Care?

Posted on by
Reply

Have you ever had perfect timing with a stop light? I mean that light turns green just before you start to step on your breaks, instead of the usual where the light turns red and you have to stomp on your breaks to make sure you don’t run a red light. It’s a beautiful thing when it happens.

I’ve had more than one crappy day in my life. Days where I’m driving home or somewhere else, I’m already irritable, and I come up to that intersection where the light is always red (you know the one), and it has to be the longest red light ever created. Wow you should hear the grumbling that goes through my mind as I approach that light. But this time I see that beautiful shade of green, the worries and troubles of the day just seem to melt away. I’m reminded of God’s grace and love. I tell God thank you for this small bit of grace that has suddenly turned into a modern day miracle. I know it’s not parting the Red Sea, but on a day like that it might as well be.

Immediately the thought hits my mind, “Does God really care about you getting that light?”. And from the perspective of the universe as a whole it’s not that big of a deal (neither is my day for that matter). So the natural, logical side of me wins, and I go back to by dreary day. It’s not as bad as before, but that light doesn’t mean the same thing.

At least until the other day.

I was running a bit late for work, which is not the norm (just in case my boss is reading, I wanted to clarify that :) ), and I had perfect timing for catching the elevator. Once inside the elevator, I said a quiet thank you to God for blessing me with the elevator. And like normal, the thought hits me about does God really care, but this time was different. The Holy Spirit asked me a simple question, “Don’t you want God to care about the small stuff?”. My reply went something along the lines of “Ummm yeah”. I wish I could articulate what followed, but I just can’t. The Holy Spirit showed me that the relationship that God wants with us is one where even the little things in my life are interesting to him. He doesn’t just want me to share the big things in my life with him, but everything in it, my plans, my feelings, everything. And like wise He wants to share everything with me. Isn’t that wonderful, and doesn’t that challenge us to lead a different kind of life?

The short answer: Yes!

Fighting the Man Pleasing Spirit

Posted on by
Reply

As I briefly mentioned before our Church is watching John Bevere’s Breaking Intimidation movies and while they’ve been very deep and thought provoking I think God is trying to say something specific to me.

From my daily scripture readings this week:

1 The Lord is my light and my salvation—
so why should I be afraid?
The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger,
so why should I tremble? Psalms 27:1

31 What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? 32 Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? 33 Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. 34Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us. Romans 8:31-34

I started reading Romans 8 after listening to one of my dad’s old sermons that Brit had posted on the web. (Isn’t amazing that God can still use him to minister to me even after he’s gone home to be with the Lord? My dad would love to hear that.)

From the plaque I received today as part of raffle (lol God so doesn’t do random or coisedence does he?)

“Courage is fear that has said its prayers.”

I think God is trying to tell me something here. All of this really struck home when Pastor Michelle was telling Arielle and I about a conversation she had with someone, and in the midst of that conversation she told the person that he/she had a “Man Pleasing Spirit” and needed to deal with it. What is a man pleasing spirit but a spirit of fear/intimidation? (exactly what everything up above deals with) And while I know that PM wasn’t saying that to me, it felt like it. It really hit my heart. And I realized that this is what God has been trying to get through to me these past couple of weeks. With God’s help I will conquer this spirit and step into the place God has called me to be. (I know beyond a doubt that I couldn’t conquer this without his help)

Please Pray: Upcomming Wedding

Posted on by
Reply

We are now less than 20 days till Arielle and I get hitched (as the folks back home say).

Pray for God’s guarding angels to protect all those who are driving or flying down to the wedding. 

Pray for God’s favor as Arielle and I wrap up the last minute things that need to be done, that things go smoothly and at a good discounted price.

We know that the enemy will try to take this time of celebration to a time of fustration. I bind up the enemy and his plans and tell him to get out of here in the name of Jesus’ my rock and my salvation! 

I pray that God will bless all those involved in the planning, all of those who are spending time and or money to help us get things in order, and all of those attending this blessed event.

Arielle and I appreciate all of your prayers, and hopefully we’ll get to see you at the wedding!

Fighting Legalism

Posted on by
Reply

Satan is called the great deceiver and he certainly earns that name when it comes to legalism. It can be so subtle, it makes you think that you are doing something pleasing to God when in reality you couldn’t be farther from the truth. This article over on boundless really brings that idea home. Here’s an excerpt that really made me think about how I view God’s commands.

Lately, God has been convicting me about living by conviction. I want to live my life according to His ways. David wrote, “And I will delight myself in thy commandments, which I have loved” (Ps. 119:47, KJV). As I live in the reality of salvation and grace, earnestly desiring to draw closer to my Father in heaven, God’s commands should be not just my standard, but my heart’s delight.

later on she says…

It’s interesting that the world defines Christians by several outward standards that are not strictly Christian at all — Christians, I’ve heard, don’t drink or swear, for example. Is it wrong to hold such standards? No, especially if we understand where they are rooted in God’s commands — be filled with the Spirit, not with wine; let your speech be edifying and pure. But it’s important to keep the lines clear between God’s words and human choices concerning them. God has not forbidden drink or the use of rude words in every circumstance.

The words ring in my heart: “I will delight myself in thy commandments.” I can’t delight in God’s Word if I am continually replacing it with my own. God guards few things so jealously as He guards His message to us. After delivering it to His people, He bound them to keep it intact and unembellished: “You shall not add to the word that I command you, nor take from it” (Deut. 4:2).

Oh Lord teach me how to delight myself in thy commandments.

Thoughts of Throwing Away God’s Gift

Posted on by
1

For as long as I can remember, whenever life gets tough I start to seriously consider the temptation to throw away God’s gift. And more often than not, I buy into the lie that the devil is selling. I can still remember times, when I struggled early on in school, that I’d tell my mom, “I wish I had never been born”. Then later on in life when things just seemed to be too hard, my thoughts turned to how I could end it all, to be free of pain, sorrow, loneliness, and despair that seemed to plague my life. To say it plainly, for the majority of my life I’ve struggled with thoughts of suicide. And I don’t think I’m the only one. It breaks my heart every time I read about someone taking their own life, and not even that I almost cry when I read of someone who cuts themselves to dull the pain of their life. I know that God loves them and if only they could understand that, they wouldn’t have to hurt themselves to find peace.

Now I’m not writting this to tell you how I overcame suicide through my own strength or through my own force of will. Because as I stated earlier I bought into the satan’s lie, I believed whole heartedly that I was worthless, that the world would be a much better place without me. But rather how God has repeatedly saved my life, from myself. All glory and honor be to the one who created me, the one who loves me even though at times I haven’t loved myself, the one who had a plan for my life even before I was in my mother’s womb, all the praise belongs to God for taking me beyond the lies and into his heart of truth and love. I’m being transparent here, honest as I can be, not holding anything back (and trust me putting something like this out there isn’t easy) because I believe God has asked me to write about my journey and battling thoughts of suicide has been part of it (an ugly part of it). 

One of the reasons I believe this has been a constant struggle in my life, is because every time I wish I was dead, or fantasied about killing myself, the devil was throwing the miracle of my life back in God’s face. If you haven’t read my testimony, then you should know that God preserved my life at a time when I was defenseless, a time when my mother’s decisions meant life or death for me, a time when babies all over the world were being slaughtered simply to make a mother’s life a little more easy (click here if you’d like to read a more detailed account). So if the devil had ever been able to get me to follow through with what I was thinking that would have been a major victory for him, but he seems perfectly fine with a minor victory and insulting God. Thankfully God is not one to let Satan win lasting victories.

Another reason I believe that I was readily open to this attack of the enemy, is that as a human being I love doing things the easy way, or doing the easy things in life. Looking back now, non of the things that made me wish I was dead were really that hard. Math, spelling, heartbreak, loneliness, fear, and failure were all temporary and all things that eventually I worked through (obviously since I’m writing this ;-) ). But the lies of the enemy made mole hills turn into mountains. Had I taken these things to God rather than working them out through my own limited human abilities, they would not have seemed so difficult. But I chose to trust in myself rather than the one who made me.

But the root cause of all of this is something I mentioned above, fear. Fear, is brought to us by a spirit of intimidation. This is a spirit I’m very familiar with, I’ve lived under it for so long, I’ve been bound by it’s chains, set free only be the awesome power of Jesus Christ! One of fear’s most used tools is a feeling of hopelessness. For the longest time I had no hope for ever finding a life long friend, I had no hope that I would ever find the woman that God had out there for me (and yes that’s how warped my mind was I acknowledged that God had selected a woman for me but yet didn’t have hope that he would lead me to her, how whacked is that?), I had no hope that I would ever find joy and happiness, and I had no hope that I would ever find understanding. So anytime life would get rough, this spirit would remind me of my hopelessness and I would buy into it. The logical conclusion being that if there is no hope for my life, why live it? As John Bevere talks about in his book “Breaking Intimidation“, fear makes us focus on ourselves. The thoughts constantly running through my head focused almost entirely on me and my current condition. I focused on how sad I was that my “girlfriend” left me, and focusing on something like that long enough I would start to think about how I’d never be able to find someone. This train of thought is something Pastor Michelle would call a death spiral. My other fears were similiar in that my focus was me, and my problems. The opposite of fear, is love. Love forces us to put our focus on others and breaks us free from the death spiral that fear has us trapped in.

I could talk more about the spirit of intimidation’s other tools like a false sense of control or the constant need to blame others, but if you want to know more about breaking this spirit’s control over your life I recommend John Bevere’s book Breaking Intimidation. I could also talk about the things God used in my life to encourage me, to give me hope and how he used my friends Brad and Jen, my Mom and Dad, and my love Arielle to show me how much he loves and cares for me, he used them to save my life in ways they will probably never understand, but if you want to hear more about that you’ll have to ask me someday or God will put it on my heart to write it here. Instead what I’d like to leave you with is this, as I’ve said before, the devil is a liar. Look at what I was so worried about above; finding the right woman for me, finding friendship and understanding. God has provided all those things and then some. I just want to encourage you to stop focusing on yourself and focus on God and he will provide all your needs. I’m a walking example of his love and his provision and I hope that my testimony will be used by God in your life to draw you closer to him.

My Journey pt 6: A brave new world.

Posted on by
Reply

So often we buy into the view that our inner self (thoughts, feelings, and will) is just the mind, but that view of your inner self is so very wrong. And anyone who has experienced loss can tell you that the mind and the heart are not just two different organs, they are almost two different beings, but really they two different ways of interacting with the world. Through that heart we feel for one another, love one another, but the mind is all logical, at times cold and ruthlessly calculating.

But after the loss of a loved one you can feel the three go there seperate directions, the mind is numb, the heart aches, and the soul is almost drunk at the wheel (not literally). This may not be an entirely accurate, but I wanted to capture my state after my dad passed away. I was broken, not physically, but in pretty much every other way. My usual stoic self couldn’t handle my new reality.

I remember driving my mom home from the hospital, we talked a bit, tried to put into words what had just happened, and how we felt about it. But I wasn’t really there. My mind was numb not just then, but for days after. What went on around me seemed like a dream that I was unable to wake from. When I was able to feel again, all I could feel was a dull ache where my heart used to be, and that ache reached into depths of who I was. My mind knew that my Dad was in a better place, that his pain and suffering was all gone, replaced with endless joy. It comforted me knowing and believing that when I see him again, it will be tears of joy, instead of the kind tears shed at the hospital. But my heart didn’t seem to grasp the concept. It ached, it cried, it was broken, it had a giant hole right in the middle and no amount of knowing something was going to fix it. Only time and God’s gentle touch seem to be the cure.

People often wonder how someone makes it through those tough times, and while I could offer you all the Church answers possible, but the simple truth is that the support of friends and family make the going much easier to bear. The out pouring of love on my family was amazing. The next day friends came over and cleaned my Mom’s house from top to bottom. Food overflowed from my mom’s refrigerator, and I don’t think it stopped coming in till weeks after. Friends and family called, flew in, or drove in, some we hadn’t seen in years, to be with us (physically or in spirit) during an extremely rough time. One thing that really blew our minds were the financial gifts, people and congregations we hardly knew were such an amazing blessing to our family by giving money, it was truly awesome to watch God provide for us. When the distraction of friends and family finally ends, and where the rubber meets the road that’s where you will find God most, because that’s when you will need him most. Don’t get me wrong, God is in your friends visiting, bringing you food, or caring for you in other ways. But most of us are to wrapped up in our own things to notice God’s subtle touch. It’s not till all that is gone do we really seek God and our real healing begins.

For me personally, I turned to my angel, Arielle, for comfort and support. At first we didn’t talk much about feelings or try to work through the issues I was dealing, we more chit chatted about what was going, the real and tangible things that are easy to talk about (weather, funerals, you know). Eventually Arielle asked more detailed questions and as I struggled to answer them, I would work out how I felt. Arielle was amazingly patient and would listen to me ramble on and on about some weird storied I had to tell or just stay by the phone and listen when i didn’t have anything to say at all. In many ways I think having Arielle there to support me really made those early months much more easy to bear. 

Things get easier as time moves on, that doesn’t mean I don’t think about my dad, in fact I don’t think there’s a day that goes by where I don’t think about him. Penn State scores just about move me to tears (I’m not sure if a win or a lose is worse). And ask Arielle how many times I’ve told her, my dad used to do this, or my dad used to love that. I’m sure she’ll never get sick of hearing about him, but I’m sure my kids will. I used to think it weird when my dad would drive us to see where he played football as a kid, but I think I’m starting to understand, why we were out there and what he was trying to tell us. It’s just to late for us to enjoy the understanding together.

As my head and heart started to get back in sync, I realized a few things. First that my time on this world is short, so I better start living my life, here in the real world. From Jan 2008 to now I’ve been free of the chains called World of Warcraft and Pornography. Second I realized I better get right with God (Thanks to Arielle’s encouraging). I had lived with this idea of me coming back to the Lord when I was good and ready for too long (I was really pushing my luck). I started reading several books Desire by John Eldredge, Driven by Eternity (Thanks to Arielle), and a technical vb.net book. All three books were instrumental in preparing me for the months ahead. There are no coincides with God. The book Desire, was God’s first steps towards a true healing of my still aching heart. In it John describes what he went through after the death of his best friend, of course his situation didn’t match mine exactly, but the main point God was trying to get a acoss to me were still valid. The book Driven By Eternity was God’s next step, God used it to paint a very vivid picture in my mind of where my dad was at and how happy he is and forever will be. The peace that came to my heart after reading those books is really undescribable.

It was during this period of time that my 25th birthday fell. And on a whim (so I thought), I decided to take the day off from work and drive a lot of miles, to be exact, to see Arielle and to hang out with the girl of my dreams. I had had a crush on her for a very long time. At the time though I just needed to get away from where I was at, away the pain that still lingered, away from the big empty hole at the family birthday party, and away from the rut that had become my life. And while my stay here in FL that time was temporary, it was the foundation for something God had been planning for my life, for a very long time.